She makes me crazy.

My mother.  She makes me crazy.  This is nothing new.  All of my life she has made me crazy.  I mostly only have negative memories of her.  I guess it's worse now that my kids are involved.  In my head I think I could take her or leave her.  In my heart I know that's not the right way to think.  What do I do?

It's all on her terms.  She is a marathoner.  She is busy.  I understand that.  She is also very private.  I don't understand that.  She has always been very self-involved.  She was only married once.  She has had several relationships.  She cuts them off when they seem to be "telling" her what to do.  She has had a few really good men.   She takes advantage of some people.  She recently found God.  I don't understand this either.  I am working on finding God myself.  She tried to change overnight into a God fearing woman.  It didn't work.  I know her too well.  Her relationship with my grandmother has always been rocky.  Her relationship with her siblings has been rocky.  Her sisters are mean.  Her brother was amazing and is gone.  She can be the best grandma ever when she wants to.  But my kids need more.  They need all the time.  It's not fair to them.  I feel terrible for them because they love her so much.  She has this endless energy about her.  They absolutely love that about her.  She is always broke.  She has an amazing job.  She makes good money.  She doesn't have many bills.  I am concerned she has a problem.  Is it drugs?  No because she cares too much about her body.  Is it gambling?  Could be.

I am not concerned about me having a mother.  It's too late for that.  I have my grandma.  That's all I need.  I still hate feeling like this.  This stream of conciousness made me feel a little better.