Thankful Thursday

Today is Thursday.  Today, like all others, I have a long list of things and people I am thankful for.

- I am thankful my grandpa had a doctors appointment yesterday, he is so prone to pneumonia.  I am glad he was able to get checked out and get some medicine before his cold got that bad.

- I am thankful for our amazing babysitter.  She truly is an angel.  I will post more on her later, she deserves her own post.

- I am thankful for the truck I pulled up next to today on my way to work.  I called the number, sent Dan there and he has a job interview on Tuesday!!

- I am thankful for my job!  I have a pretty good manager, but my director absolutely SUCKS!

- I am so thankful that both of my kids are wonderful, healthy children.  They make me crazy sometimes, but I really wouldn't change a single thing about either of them.

- I am thankful for so many more things, I will continue to post.  Hopefully AT LEAST every Thursday.

Day 4...oops

Today is day 4 of the new journey...the new me!  I am down 4.1 pounds.  This is not too bad, but I am fully aware that it an average of 1 pound per day is not healthy and will not continue.

Today has probably been the hardest day.  The first day that I went over my points BIG TIME!  I have actually had 3-9 points left over each day up until today.  This has been fun since I was able to end these days with a couple of Oreo's and milk.  I just couldn't help myself today.  UGH! 

I have worked out though!  I skipped Wednesday morning, I was so very exhausted.  UGH again!  I feel really good the days I do work out, so I probably won't skip too many more.  Not quite sure how to handle the weekends yet, so we shall see how this goes.

Wish me luck - my birthday is next week and its only human to associate birthdays and food!

Day One

Today turned out to be fabulous!  I did follow through and get up at 5:20am and head to the gym!  I did forget my iPod though...boo, but I made it through!  I walked for about 30 minutes - made it about 1.02 miles!!  Made it home in plenty of time to get ready, help get the kids ready and get to work on time.  (well, who's counting those 2 minutes?  I had to get gas!!!)

I weighed in this morning at 278.5 - UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was allowed 33 points today - and now it is 7:35 and I still have 9 points left.  What to do.  What to do.

I got 3 points for working out, but for  now, I have decided not to add them back in...this can only make things better, right?

I think I might actually divulge myself in 2 Oreo's and a 1/2 cup of milk....LOVE!

Trying another new thing...

What a crazy few weeks we have had.  Good crazy though!  My grandparents are officially moved in and its going great!  My grandmother is the warmest, kindest big-hearted person you will ever meet.  The kids absolutely adore them and enjoy going downstairs so much!  They think they are going on a mini-vacation or something, it's so cute!  Grandma has been cooking for us here and there and its just beyond awesome!  For anyone lucky enough to have a grandma, you know what I mean.  The cool thing about her cooking though is that she cooks like she is cooking for a post heart attack patient.  My grandpa has severe kidney failure along with high blood pressure, etc.  So, she does not salt while cooking and if she uses butter (mostly she uses olive oil) she uses Smart Balance.  This is all very good, to our surprise!  We used to cook with a huge heap of butter (for heating up veggies on the stove) and salt the heck out of EVERYTHING!  It's been a really nice change. 

So, yesterday I got up and took off on a couple of errands.  This is a time that Dan "allows" me, sort of unspoken.  This is time I can run out and get a couple of things done while he stays home and entertains the kiddos.  Yeah, he's cool like that and I got it that good!  So, I was thinking about joining a gym.  Dan has started working out with his bff Matt, in his basement.  He's doing so good and I am getting a little jealous - as well as turned on!  ;)  Along with his new change, Weight Watchers came to Citi on Friday to start the At-Work program.  We thought we would be able to sign up and weigh in on Friday, but they had such a great turn out that they weren't prepared.  Great huh!  This many people are ready to make a change in their lives!  WahooOO!!  Brooke and I headed to the WW store in the Wal-Mart and grabbed the Points Calculator and the journals.  We are going to go ahead and get this started while they are hammering out the meeting details at work.

Take a Quiz Tuesday

I stole this quiz from a very funny blogger Gina...and while I would rather keep her answers, I guess I will have to post my own, since this is my blog after all.



1. If you were stranded on a desert island and could pick one person to be stranded with you, who would you pick? Family members not included.


I would be happy to be stranded with Glenn Beck.  I have a newfound obsession with talk radio.  I have even given up a preset in the car to 97.1.  This is real talk, with healthy debate and educated opinions.  I really enjoy learning more about politics and current topics, much more than I thought I would.


2. Do you read celebrity gossip?


Does a bear poop in the woods?  I absolutely love them!  And the fact that I can access people.com from work...now that is pure heaven!


3. Favorite show you're watching this season?

As always, Grey's Anatomy.  I love, love, love this show.  I am not obsessed with McSteamy or McDreamy (but don't get me wrong, they are both fun to look at), its the real issues they deal with and the hidden humor.


4. How tall are you?


I am 5 foot 6 inches.  Please oh please do not let the next question be about my weight.


5. What was the last book you read?


Baby Laughs by Jenny McCarthy.  I started on Life Laughs by Jenny McCarthy, but it wasn't quite as funny...


6. Flats or heels?

75 pounds ago, I was becoming quite the heels girl.  However, since I decided to get lazy again and gained all my weight back, I am strictly a flats girl...with a serious need for 24/7 sneakers!


7. If you had to choose one natural disaster to go through, what would you choose-- Earthquake, Tornado, or Hurricane?


I think I would have chosen earthquake had I taken this a week ago.  However, after learning of the mass destruction the earthquake caused in Haiti, I really have no idea.  I guess I could go with Tornado as one of these has yet to cause the devastation that either a Earthquake or Hurricane has. 

8. Thong, panties, or (gasp) granny panties?

Oh boy....I was a thong kinda girl many, many pounds ago.  First came the 100 pounds, then the prego butt and well...as they say, the rest is history.  I am a panties girl I guess.  They aren't necessarily granny panties, but they aren't skimpy either.  They are still the size of Texas if you ask me.


So go on, join in the fun. All the cool kids are doing it. And then let me know if you do! Happy Tuesday!

Did you know that girls don't work?

The kids and I are in the car, yes - our new teal greenish-blue minivan has arrived.  Anywho, we are in the car and as usual, the kids are arguing over something.  Maybe this is all new to me because I was an only child, so I guess I really didn't have anyone to argue with.  Well, except my mother...ugh.  So, the kids are arguing and Lexi tells Daniel that girls go to dance class and boys go to work.  Hmm.  Wonder where she got her information, cuz that sure ain't the sitcheashun at home.  (And in case you are wondering, neither Dan nor myself go to dance class - just thought I should clear that up.)

I tried dance class with Lexi when she was just about 3 years old and 1 week.  Didn't go over too hot.  She stood in the corner with her hands in her mouth and only acknowledged the teacher when she got out the candy at the end of class.  She would look at herself in the mirror, act like she wasn't watching the other girls and only when no one was watching, she would kinda-sorta try out the moves they had just learned.  We went 4 weeks a row I think.  I was not very impressed with this dance school, but it had rave reviews so we decided to give it a shot.  We stopped going after the teacher was a no-show and no one (including the owner) knew what was going on.  Oh well, live and learn. 

It just so happens that Dan's previous employer happened to be in the same strip mall as her dance class.  And it just so happens that we pass said strip mall every day on the way to work/babysitters.  I am guessing since she is a girl and she went to dance class and since Dan is a boy and he went to work, this is where her theory came from.  The only weird part is that dance was back in August and Dan hasn't worked in over 2 months.  I gotta find out where this fairy tale world is in which girls go to dance class and boys go to work.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Well, the Benadryl is kicking in...I better call it a night.

She makes me crazy.

My mother.  She makes me crazy.  This is nothing new.  All of my life she has made me crazy.  I mostly only have negative memories of her.  I guess it's worse now that my kids are involved.  In my head I think I could take her or leave her.  In my heart I know that's not the right way to think.  What do I do?

It's all on her terms.  She is a marathoner.  She is busy.  I understand that.  She is also very private.  I don't understand that.  She has always been very self-involved.  She was only married once.  She has had several relationships.  She cuts them off when they seem to be "telling" her what to do.  She has had a few really good men.   She takes advantage of some people.  She recently found God.  I don't understand this either.  I am working on finding God myself.  She tried to change overnight into a God fearing woman.  It didn't work.  I know her too well.  Her relationship with my grandmother has always been rocky.  Her relationship with her siblings has been rocky.  Her sisters are mean.  Her brother was amazing and is gone.  She can be the best grandma ever when she wants to.  But my kids need more.  They need all the time.  It's not fair to them.  I feel terrible for them because they love her so much.  She has this endless energy about her.  They absolutely love that about her.  She is always broke.  She has an amazing job.  She makes good money.  She doesn't have many bills.  I am concerned she has a problem.  Is it drugs?  No because she cares too much about her body.  Is it gambling?  Could be.

I am not concerned about me having a mother.  It's too late for that.  I have my grandma.  That's all I need.  I still hate feeling like this.  This stream of conciousness made me feel a little better.

I took the plunge...#1

In the new year, I have vowed to try and be a better person.  More forgiving, less angry, etc.  So, the two people that my anger is centering deserved a piece of the new (under construction) me.  I am thinking that I am doing this backwards, which might work for me and help me to understand why I let the entire situation get to me so much.  I decided to write to each of these people and let them know that I am sorry for the hateful things I said and that I am letting the situation go.

Here is the first letter:

Hey Dude (changed....obviously),

I completely realize the FB is a very lame way to talk...but here goes.

I should have never, ever said the hateful things I did to you and I am sorry for how I reacted. I understand that this probably won't fix things and I am perfectly fine with that, I just want you to know that I could have chosen a better way to get my point across. I can see that we are two completely different people and while we share the same blood, we came from two completely different backgrounds. I am not name-calling or pointing fingers anymore.

In no way, shape or form do I consider myself (or Dan) the victim in this crappy situation, I hope you hear me on this. I completely understand that we had an agreement and we signed that agreement. Maybe I had impossible/incorrect expectations of the entire situation. I assumed that we would get help if we really needed it and that is not the case. There is so much going on in everyone's lives and while I realize that it was no one else's responsibility but ours to make sure that payment was made, we just couldn't do it anymore and rather than give up and move out, we looked for help.

I was angered by how things went down, how we were ignored, threatened, etc. I thought family would do more for family.

The situation is over and as they say, with every closed door, a window is opened. We are in a much better, affordable situation and are better off for it. Sometimes crappy situations can turn out to be pretty good life lessons.

I hope all is well with you.

Love,

Linds
 
I think I will save the other letter, although it was very similar (almost exact).  So, here goes on my journey, I wish I had some followers *sob* that could tell me if they think this letter would be effective.  Note - I have not received a response.

Things that make you go hmmm...

This is a very random post and I am certainly not judging, I am just wondering what the heck is running through her head.  Okay, so maybe I am judging a bit. 

Alright, we have had the same sitter for over a year and let me tell you, she is hands down fabulous.  I have actually tried to take the time and find something wrong with her.  Really, she is that good.  We found her through a great guy at my work.  She was his neighbor before he moved.  She was located about 1.5 miles from our old house in St. Charles and it couldn't have been a more perfect situation.  So, then that situation didn't work out (a whole 'nother post) and we moved back out to Wentzville and I travel from W-town, to St. Charles (about half way up Hwy 94 from Hwy 40) and then back down to work at Citi (Hwy K & Hwy 40), about 10 more miles each way.  Does this help in regards to how wonderful she is?   She was a little higher than we wanted to pay when I first called, but after we hung up, she called me back and knocked her price down $50 per week to $200.  Also, we had to pack our own lunches...something we had never had to do before (regular lunches for Lexi and of course our own formula and baby food for Lil Bear).  But it turned out that was better, because we always knew what they ate, no questions. 

We will call her fabulously wonderful or FW from here.  So, FW has 5 children of her own, ranging from 3 to 14.  The four older ones are in school and the youngest has become Lexi's very best friend.  Her youngest in-school daughter is 5 and her birthday is coming up.  FW's husband is a police officer.  He is there alot during the day and that makes me feel even better.  So, out of their 5 kids, they have 1 boy.  The two older girls are very quiet.  Evidentally, they both get straight A's and are just stellar kids.  I think this is great, she has reared some really good kids, good for me, right?  The older two get their hair done with FW, get their nails done, get Coach purses, Hollister clothing, etc.  And this is regular, everyday type of gifts.  Their son gets Wii games all the time....so, you get my drift?  Anywho, FW also works 1 day or so every week or so at Gymboree.  For those poor folks out there like me, Gymboree is a childrens clothing store, boutique style.  They have "lines" in which all of the clothing matches, from hair bows to the shirt, underwear, pants, socks, accessories and the list goes on.  So, as you can tell, the clothing is NOT CHEAP.  I am talking $20 for one t-shirt, $40 for a pair of jeans.  FW works there strictly for the discount...she will tell you this.  So, the two younger ones (and all the older ones when they were smaller) wear head-to-toe Gymboree.  I have in fact been sucked in, until I was basically put on kids clothing probation by Dan.  (This was a good thing, because this is when I discovered garage sales!!  A whole 'nother 'nother post).  She gets a 40% discount...not too shabby, but STILL!  She has managed to get Jamie completely hooked and now Baby M wears it all...but is just too cute!

FW is a talker...and I loves me a talker!  After spending all day with little ones, ages 4 and under - I would be talking the heck off someones ear!  She seems to talk about ALL of the money they spend.  UGH....only because I have none!  She has to have at least 10 kids and you figure about $100 per kid per week equals about $1000 per week....cold.cash.money!  Not to mention FW's hubby is a lieutenant for a nearby county police department and has been there for awhile...so he's probably making some bank too.

So, she loves to talk about the new lines with Gymboree, how they spend at least $100 every time they go out to eat as a family (which is an awful lot), her $90 shampoo and conditioner, the Coach purses she bought for herself and the two older girls, the American Girl dolls, etc.  So, today after Jamie and I picked up the kiddos, Jamie texted me to inform me that FW is purchasing a purse for her 2nd youngest child (the one in school)...but get this - its a freakin COACH purse, but its only the $180 one?  SNAP! 

HOLY WOW!  I don't think I have ever actually spent $180 on one single item, for myself, let alone a 5 year old.  So, I ask of my zero friends...what the heck?  What would a 5 year old need with a purse, a Coach purse nonetheless.  Again, I am trying not to judge, but wow.  Did I mention that she eventually knocked our weekly rate down from $200 to $150 since we referred Jamie and Carol?  So, they can afford to reduce our rate by $200 monthly and still afford designer handbags for their children.  I repeat, children. 

Divorce

I have read alot of blogs and articles about how couples make their relationships work so much better when they completely take the option of divorce out of the picture. 

Dan and I are doing amazingly right now.  We are both giving equal effort to our relationship and things are going very well.  I am really hoping we never, ever fight again.  However...we have only been married 5 years and we have 2 small children.  I would like more babies .  He does not.  I like to parent with an easy tone and a mutual respect between me and the kids.  He likes to teach, do as I say - not as I do and don't speak unless spoken to.  Unfortunately, fighting or squabbling is inevitable.  I can only pray that they will be silly fights, nothing big and we can get through them with nice words, no blaming, etc.  According to Dan, he won't ever get married again.  I am not sure if this means he would never get divorced or just that he would never re-marry.  Either way, I don't ever plan on getting a divorce.  I came into this marriage with the intent for death do us part, I think that he did too.

What I would like to learn is how to completely remove any option of divorce from the equation.  We have never really spoke of getting a divorce, but more in terms of what we would do if we ever split up.  So, in essence - we talk about it without actually talking about it.  So, if we could remove that thought completely, I think we could square up our arguments quicker and just get to the point and stop blaming and get it over with.

So, if I ever get any followers and you have any suggestions - I am welcoming them!

I've come to realize...

I borrowed today's post from Gina. She posted it a few days ago, and I couldn't help but join in the fun. Feel free to take it from me...I'd love to read your answers!




I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is pretty darn fabulous.  I actually like what I do and I absolutely LOVE the people I work with. 


I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I love to turn up the music and pretend to be a singer, a good one!


I’ve come to realize that I need. . .to get this damn weight off.  And pronto!  I feel like a giant failure!


I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . .all of my motivation lately.


I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . . I open up my favorite local radio station websites and all of the articles are about bad things that happened overnight.  Shootings, fires, horrible things happening to babies and children, etc.  I would love a local good-news website!


I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . someone spiked my drink, since I don't drink.


I’ve come to realize that money… is pretty absent in these parts.  I would love to have more of it, but I have a great hubby and 2 wonderful babies, so I am really okay with things.


I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .have no heart.


I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . try to be the best wife, mother and friend I can be.


I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . consisted of imaginary friends, since I didn't have any.


I’ve come to realize that my mom....has some serious mental issues.  The worst part is that if you try to talk to her about it, she gets even crazier.


I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is my lifeline.  Such a cliche, but I really don't know what we did before cell phones.


I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . all I saw was snow. snow. and more snow!


I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . it was going to be a long night, Lexi just wasn't having anything to do with sleeping.


I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .the movie "The Hangover" has to be the funniest movie ever made.


I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is also one of those imaginary friends, I didn't have one of those either.


I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . I end up on there for hours.  And that I am very, very obsessed.

I’ve come to realize that today. . . . I was so thankful for the snow, got to spend all day with the hubs and my babes.


I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . . might not be too bad of a night, the kiddos went to sleep pretty well.


I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . is going to suck trying to get to work.


I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . .have at least 2 more babies.


I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . probably no one, I have no followers.  I am okay with that for now, still getting comfortable with blogging.


I’ve come to realize that life. . . is actually pretty dang awesome!


I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . will be busy.  We are preparing for my grandparents to move in with us!  I am really, really excited that they will be here for us to help them!


.I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are amazing.  I always have had tons of friends and some pretty great ones within them, but to my surprise, my best ever friends are the ones I have now.  They are simply amazing!


I’ve come to realize that this year. . . is going to be a good one!  2010 is my year for personal change!


I’ve come to realize that my husband. . .really is so good to me!  He's in a rut right now with not working, but I know he is doing the best he can and I love him for that!


I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . get on losing some weight so I can look and feel good for our vacation this summer!


I’ve come to realize that I love. . . garage sale-ing!  As my kids clothing got bigger and more expensive, I found it harder and harder to spend good money on it.  Also, the toys that they play with for one day and forget about are much cheaper at garage sales and they have NO idea where it came from!


I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . why people hurt babies.  There are so many couples out there that want babies and can't have them on their own.  If you don't want that baby, take it to a safe place (they are everywhere now!)


I’ve come to realize my past. . ..is the past and this year is a year for forgetting about some of it and forgiving for the rest.


I’ve come to realize that parties. . ..are pretty fun, I would much rather do a house party rather than go out to a club or something.


I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of one of my kids or my hubs getting sick.


I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is much more amazing than I can even realize.

Thankful Thursday

Today is Thursday.  And, as all other days, I am thankful!!  Today, I am especially thankful that our heat works and we have food in the house!  About an hour into the day, we pulled the blinds up to watch the wind..it was crazy!  There is a shadow per se around the kids play house in the backyard and only half of Dan's truck has snow on it because the wind is blowing so hard!  We could hear it all over the place!  The fireplace is making a crazy howling noise.  I love this weather, especially when I don't have anywhere to go!  The difference was that I COULDN'T go anywhere today, not even work.  Who's knows what, if anything, will come of this sick day.  I am getting the feeling that all things (my manager specifically) has something out for me.  So, I am also thankful that I even have a job to call in sick to!

Here's to a Happy Friday and a freakin weekend for everyone!

Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It was NOT me who walked out of the house this morning in high heels for the first time in over 6 months and almost 60 pounds.  I care way too much about my comfort to put myself though this.

It was also NOT me that attempted to give myself a little more "room" in my tank top (under my shirt of course) by pulling the bottom hem out a bit.  In said attempt, it was certainly NOT me that pulled a little too hard and actually ripped the shirt at the seam.  UGH!!  Thank goodness for over-shirts..haha.

And finally, it was NOT me who just let my beautiful, darling daughter cry out loud for over 30 minutes about how she neeeeded me.  I would never just let her cry it out, I am much more of a disciplined mother than that.

Have a great week everyone!

Some new things..

I am really excited about the New Year so far!  Today we went to church, minus Dan...we will get there some day!  I took my nieces, Lexi and Daniel and we really enjoyed ourselves.  Even before the New Year, my nieces were asking me if we could find a church and would I take them.  So one day, my oldest niece texted me and told me she found a church and I couldn't even believe that she picked the church we had already been to a few times.  This is the Christian church in Wentzville that Brooke and Craig belong to and have acquired an AMAZING church family from.  (This will be a whole nother post).

After church, we all came back and had some lunch.  Then it was off to shop at one more store and take the kiddos home.  So, there are 3 girls and a boy.  They range in age from 11 to 16 and they are just wonderful kids.  We don't ever have to yell at them, punish them or anything like that.  This is like their home away from home.  We aren't quite as strict as parents, but we still hold them accountable for their actions.  So today, we were running into Old Navy (due to the negative 20 degree weather...ick) and as soon we got in to the door, my youngest niece says "Shut up, *racial slur*"..yes, you read correct.  I just couldn't believe it.  I was so embarassed.  I told her to go back out to the truck.  She whined and said she wasn't talking to me, but rather her older sister.  I told her that I didn't care and again told her to go back out to the truck.  We were only in the store for a few more minutes and by the time we got out there, she was a sobbing mess.  I was so angry.  I was angry that she would be that stupid to say something in public like that, I was angry that she was acting so "upset" that I told her to go to the truck and I was upset at what this could bring.  My SIL (sister-in-law) is very, very protective of her kids and rightfully so.  I would be too.  If one of my kiddos came home crying, I would immediately jump to conclusions maybe.  So, with the new "me"...I tried very, very hard to get over it and fast.  So, we shall see how this goes and find out if my SIL feels the same way as me.

Next, we got a new washer and dryer last week.  Its the front-loading, high efficiency type.  They are both very beautiful and we are hoping that they save us a TON of money on the electric and water bills!  Well, the washing machine sounds like a turbine engine shutting down and the dryer makes this obnoxious beeping noise.  This will take some getting used to.

Finally, my grandparents recently sold their home in the country and have moved to St. Chuck to be closer to family and the hospital as my grandpa's health is fading a bit.  They moved here mid-November and have been staying with my aunt.  Well, the time has come for them to figure out what they are going to do.  I couldn't even imagine what it is like to make the decisions they are facing.  If they rent, they are literally throwing away money each month (just like every other renter, I know) and if they buy, they are spending more than they ever have each month.  See, if either one of my grandparents were to pass, they would lose the other ones social security income.  Without both, the income would be only half.  While they do have savings, who knows how long that would last.  And if they had a home, they would have to worry about keeping it up, selling it, etc.  So either way, they would be stuck with something.  Well, my aunt and my mother both have issues with having their own space.  My grandparents have been my rocks and so amazing and wonderful to me my whole entire life.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  They continue to help us every day.  We are renting our house and we have just over a year left on the lease.  My grandma started talking about them buying a house and we would all live together and that way if something happened to either one of them, we would be there to help them.  Also, it seems as though if you have any money and either of you gets put in a nursing home, they will take all of your money to pay costs.  So, if your money is "tied up" in a house, there is nothing for them to take.  Anywho, like I said, our house is not that big, but our basement is finished and finished very nicely.  There is a bathroom down there, a full wet bar with a sink and a refrigerator.  The only bad parts are the stairs and that there is no shower down there.  So, my grandpa will have to climb the stairs to come and go and to take a shower, but that shouldn't be too bad.  This way, we can help them (grocery shopping, getting their mail and picking up their prescriptions).  Also, if there were a health problem or emergency, neither of them would have to deal with it alone.  So....after a long story NOT short, my grandparents will take over the basement, which means that our play room will go away.  We have 3 bedrooms upstairs and the kids each have their own room.  So, I am wondering how fun it might be for the kids to share a room and turn one of their current rooms into a play room.  Somehow Lexi got the smaller of the two rooms, so tonight we are giving a try to shared rooms.  We inherited 2 twin beds when my Uncs passed and my aunt and cousin moved out of the house.  One of them is in Lexi's current room and the other was in Daniel's room, in addition to his crib, which I firmly believe he will probably be in until he is about 17.  So, we put her sheets on the twin bed in Daniel's room and here we go! 

Tomorrow could be a good or bad day, we shall see....

What a day!

Wow!  We spent the.entire.day.at the mall!  My dogs are a barkin!  I took my 3 nieces and Lexi and Dan took our nephew and Daniel.  We weren't able to get them all presents for Christmas, so we promised them that we would take them shopping to hit up the stores for after Christmas deals.  I am so proud of these girls!  They did such a good job of sticking to their limits and going straight for the good deals!  They found the 2 for deals and the clearance items, it was great!  They know how to get a good bank for MY buck..haha.

So, my first mission of forgiving and forgetting and coming to peace is under way.  In August of 2008, I lost my uncle to a motorcyle accident.  It was the most devastating thing I have ever had to endure in my thirty something years on this earth.  See, I don't know who my father is, so I had a stand in papa.  My Uncs and my grandfather are the single most important men in my life.  My grandfather is 82 years old and now my uncle is gone.  My previous therapist told me that I may have felt, or was feeling that I had lost both of them since my grandfather is getting older and more dependent on others.  I think that I am dealing with his death in anger.  I feel like I am more angry than I have ever been and it seems that when I bring myself down from the rage, I try to rationalize it and figure out that he (my Uncs) was at the center of it.  Or at least I realize how much I miss him and how different the situation would have been if he would have been there. 

My Uncs left behind a wife, a son and 2 grown step-children.  I have always been pretty close to my aunt and my little cousin was the center of everyone's world.  He is just an amazing kid.  See, my aunt has always been a little rattled.  My Uncs balanced her out very well though.  So, when he was killed suddenly, it seemed that she became even more rattled and without him there to balance it, it just seemed so bad.  See, the issue here is that I am judging...and judging very badly.  Like I said, my Uncs was the first person close to me that I ever lost and see how I losing it??  So, to say she is acting right or wrong, saying right or wrong...I am judging and I shouldn't be.  I still have my husband.  I have no clue how I would act if I lost him.  I could be a complete crazy person.  I am very worried about my cousin, he was 12 years old when he lost his dad, I can't even imagine what that was like.  My aunt seems so incredibly angry.  I am sure she is.  I would be too.  We all look for a reason why things happened, maybe someone to blame.  In this case, there is no one.  It was an accident.  I do know that they were fighting when he went out that night.  Maybe she has guilt?  I just want to come to peace with his death so that maybe I can try to be here for her.  Would that help?

Oh my.  This is going to be tough.  Lets get on with it...we will be headed to church at 10:30 tomorrow morning!  Wahoo!

Here goes...

Okay, this is only my 4th, yes 4th attempt at blogging.  The first one actually lasted about 6 posts, the next one lasted no posts and the most recent lasted about 3 posts.  I am a blogging failure.  I just can't stay committed.  Does this say something about me?  Wait.  Don't answer that.

2010 is going to be a major soul searching year for me.  I am not going to lie, I have a wonderful life.  My husband, Dan really is my diamond in the ruff.  He takes such good care of me and our children.  He is perfect with a rough exterior and a heart of gold.  We have been on a very long road, actually extending over a period of almost 13 years and oh my, this has been one. broken. road.  We have done some major construction and along the way managed to bring into this world the two most amazing children.  Lexi was 3 this past summer and Daniel was 2 this past fall and yes, we planned it that way.  Lexi is my mini-me whose heart is just filled with so much compassion and Daniel is definitely Dan's mini-me.  Daniel has a temper just like his daddy, but can turn around in the same beat and be a tiny little teddy bear.

Like I said before, 2010 is going to be my soul searching year.  I will be thirty-something and there is so much out there for me to discover.  For the past thirty-something years, I have held on to so much anger, hatred and harsh feelings for my past (which also was not that bad) and I have let it consume so much of me that I have lost sight of what really is important in my life.

Here's to positive thoughts, smiles, fun times and tons of therapy.  I am embarking upon a completely new world for myself and I am on a mission.  Wish me luck!