What a day!

Wow!  We spent the.entire.day.at the mall!  My dogs are a barkin!  I took my 3 nieces and Lexi and Dan took our nephew and Daniel.  We weren't able to get them all presents for Christmas, so we promised them that we would take them shopping to hit up the stores for after Christmas deals.  I am so proud of these girls!  They did such a good job of sticking to their limits and going straight for the good deals!  They found the 2 for deals and the clearance items, it was great!  They know how to get a good bank for MY buck..haha.

So, my first mission of forgiving and forgetting and coming to peace is under way.  In August of 2008, I lost my uncle to a motorcyle accident.  It was the most devastating thing I have ever had to endure in my thirty something years on this earth.  See, I don't know who my father is, so I had a stand in papa.  My Uncs and my grandfather are the single most important men in my life.  My grandfather is 82 years old and now my uncle is gone.  My previous therapist told me that I may have felt, or was feeling that I had lost both of them since my grandfather is getting older and more dependent on others.  I think that I am dealing with his death in anger.  I feel like I am more angry than I have ever been and it seems that when I bring myself down from the rage, I try to rationalize it and figure out that he (my Uncs) was at the center of it.  Or at least I realize how much I miss him and how different the situation would have been if he would have been there. 

My Uncs left behind a wife, a son and 2 grown step-children.  I have always been pretty close to my aunt and my little cousin was the center of everyone's world.  He is just an amazing kid.  See, my aunt has always been a little rattled.  My Uncs balanced her out very well though.  So, when he was killed suddenly, it seemed that she became even more rattled and without him there to balance it, it just seemed so bad.  See, the issue here is that I am judging...and judging very badly.  Like I said, my Uncs was the first person close to me that I ever lost and see how I losing it??  So, to say she is acting right or wrong, saying right or wrong...I am judging and I shouldn't be.  I still have my husband.  I have no clue how I would act if I lost him.  I could be a complete crazy person.  I am very worried about my cousin, he was 12 years old when he lost his dad, I can't even imagine what that was like.  My aunt seems so incredibly angry.  I am sure she is.  I would be too.  We all look for a reason why things happened, maybe someone to blame.  In this case, there is no one.  It was an accident.  I do know that they were fighting when he went out that night.  Maybe she has guilt?  I just want to come to peace with his death so that maybe I can try to be here for her.  Would that help?

Oh my.  This is going to be tough.  Lets get on with it...we will be headed to church at 10:30 tomorrow morning!  Wahoo!